However, if you aren’t actively looking for the signs, haven’t experienced them firsthand or don’t know what signs to look for, it’s easy to get blindsided.
Unavailability comes in many forms — there are addictions, entitlement, and workaholism, just to name a few. Or, it can come in the form of relying on one go-to emotion (i.e. “toxic positivity”) at the expense of authentic emotional expression.
Those who have been in a relationship with someone who’s emotionally unavailable may not have seen what was going on until the inevitable “ghosting” left them heartbroken at least, or traumatized at worst.
On the flip-side, maybe you’re the one with a history of ghosting partners and notice a habit is in play.
If so, congratulate yourself on your self-awareness.
Emotional unavailability typically starts in childhood. The most common reason is from an insecure attachment being formed with our primary caregivers. If we weren’t provided a secure foundation for our own emotions growing up, we risk feeling uncomfortable around all emotions.
For example, some may have grown up in environments that encouraged emotional toughness and shamed a child for showing any emotions outside of “approved” ones, such as being happy or angry.
If caregivers aren’t modeling a healthy way for kids to recognize and accept their own emotions, this sets them up for pushing away any emotion that isn’t “approved”.
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It also hands them the potential for depression, anxiety, or a personality disorder down the road.
Partners who are emotionally unavailable can be labeled as standoffish, aloof, flaky, “happy” all the time, or appearing as cold, distant and easily triggered. Emotional unavailability is a behavior pattern that’s in play as part of a push-pull attachment and wears many hats.
When emotions are out of sync, we need to look at the behavior that has taken over where emotions should be.
